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After a certain hour of the night thoughts can seem quite lucid. I move to capture them here before unconciousness steals them away.
Monday, February 09, 2004
Mourning
"For the life of me, I cannot remember, what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins, we were merely freshmen."
Freshmen - Verve Pipe
Sometimes It concerns me that I don't mourn for people who move on. Whether it's people who have died or my family moving again, or even now when people leave college, graduate, get married. I guess I just don't let myself get attached enough in the first place or maybe I'm just so use to staying distant that It doesn't phaze me anymore. In modern society it has helped me to be secure I suppose, especially because adulthood is so impersonal. Most people believe they're truly in love if they can find someone who simply cares about them. Ok, that sounds dumb, what I mean is that just genuine interest in someone else as an individual, a person, is more than anyone expects these days. Which is depressing. Someday I might find love and it won't matter at all why, just that I've found love, that would be great.
Anyway, the song listed above, Freshmen by The Verve came into my head last night. I downloaded it this morning to listen to it, and it's inspired this log. After about seven years now, I've just listened through the lyrics past the above quote and I've realized that the speaker expresses thoughts similar to what I've said above, "Realized he's never wept" when a girl dies of an overdose. Overdramatic when I was a highschooler, realistic now that I see more of the world. Also depressing, might be one of those days...
BUT, the depressing point I'm working towards. This song came out between my freshman and sophomore year in high school (I think) and believe it or not it would make me tear up on the way to school when it would come on the radio (I would ride with a local senior). Perhaps wise beyond my years or simply warned by my elders, but in my sophomore year I was already mourning the end of my Freshman year, and this song always represented that with it's mellow music and lyrics about being "only freshmen". I would remember memories of my freshman year, only a year previous, and all the friends I'd made, all the things we'd done, and I would quietly weep because I knew that time had passed forever, that we never understood the glory of those times and the fond memories we'd formed. Of course, there were many more memories to follow, even now I still have good times with my friends that I will always remember. But things were so much more simple, no bills, food at home, family support, someone to say goodnight to. When I cry it's because I think of all the good times of the past and I always feel better after I do, maybe because I've thought of fond memories or maybe because I've gotten some sadness out of my system, but that's really always the reason I cry. Maybe that's why everyone else cries too and I'm not so different, mourning the loss of the time, the memories. When someone dies I cry when I start to think of all the things they had seen and done and could have still done with their lives or shared with others, of the joys they experienced and have now left behind. That's where faith helps to comfort, that even when someone dies and leaves behind the joys of life, they are going to a place where joy is infinitely abundunt. I hope, but skepticism is omnipresent, and so I try to live my life well whenever I remember it's slowly passing me by, sometimes leaving a tear for the past as I look to the future.
"We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip"
Freshmen - Verve Pipe
Sometimes It concerns me that I don't mourn for people who move on. Whether it's people who have died or my family moving again, or even now when people leave college, graduate, get married. I guess I just don't let myself get attached enough in the first place or maybe I'm just so use to staying distant that It doesn't phaze me anymore. In modern society it has helped me to be secure I suppose, especially because adulthood is so impersonal. Most people believe they're truly in love if they can find someone who simply cares about them. Ok, that sounds dumb, what I mean is that just genuine interest in someone else as an individual, a person, is more than anyone expects these days. Which is depressing. Someday I might find love and it won't matter at all why, just that I've found love, that would be great.
Anyway, the song listed above, Freshmen by The Verve came into my head last night. I downloaded it this morning to listen to it, and it's inspired this log. After about seven years now, I've just listened through the lyrics past the above quote and I've realized that the speaker expresses thoughts similar to what I've said above, "Realized he's never wept" when a girl dies of an overdose. Overdramatic when I was a highschooler, realistic now that I see more of the world. Also depressing, might be one of those days...
BUT, the depressing point I'm working towards. This song came out between my freshman and sophomore year in high school (I think) and believe it or not it would make me tear up on the way to school when it would come on the radio (I would ride with a local senior). Perhaps wise beyond my years or simply warned by my elders, but in my sophomore year I was already mourning the end of my Freshman year, and this song always represented that with it's mellow music and lyrics about being "only freshmen". I would remember memories of my freshman year, only a year previous, and all the friends I'd made, all the things we'd done, and I would quietly weep because I knew that time had passed forever, that we never understood the glory of those times and the fond memories we'd formed. Of course, there were many more memories to follow, even now I still have good times with my friends that I will always remember. But things were so much more simple, no bills, food at home, family support, someone to say goodnight to. When I cry it's because I think of all the good times of the past and I always feel better after I do, maybe because I've thought of fond memories or maybe because I've gotten some sadness out of my system, but that's really always the reason I cry. Maybe that's why everyone else cries too and I'm not so different, mourning the loss of the time, the memories. When someone dies I cry when I start to think of all the things they had seen and done and could have still done with their lives or shared with others, of the joys they experienced and have now left behind. That's where faith helps to comfort, that even when someone dies and leaves behind the joys of life, they are going to a place where joy is infinitely abundunt. I hope, but skepticism is omnipresent, and so I try to live my life well whenever I remember it's slowly passing me by, sometimes leaving a tear for the past as I look to the future.
"We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip"
