Verbosity on Occasion

First, some timeline. Friday I woke up and challenged my roommates to do something interesting as 20 year old college men on a friday night after finals. After it became apparent that they couldn't handle the task and would be spending another night at home on the computer, I convinced Matt to join me at Fiddler's Green in Winter Park with some friends from band. We had a really great time with good food, good friends, good spirits, and good live irish drink music. I stayed up until around 4am and then tried to go to bed, I had stayed up until about 7am the night before. I couldn't sleep at all through about 5:30 when I finally managed to get to sleep with my light on, music playing, lying backwards in my bed. Then I had to get up at 7am, was on campus at 8am, and painting houses for community service by 9am. This was with Sigma Nu for community service. My ride brought me back around 11:30, I went home, showered, changed, and went to KKPsi's Eta Sigma day. It was a lot of fun and I really really appreciated seeing those brothers again. This evening I talked with my mother for a while about academics, etc. Convinced mike and chip to go to dinner, and then went to a party at a friend's house. Now it's after the party, after I've been home for a while, about 5am again, and I'm finally writing, I think this will be a long post too because I'm feeling very verbose, it's been a while since I've articulated and I've been thinking alot, so we'll see.

Ending the above rant is making it hard to figure out where I'm starting up again. Let's selfishly start with myself because I'm my primary audience. I aced my sociology course, passed my Engineering course, and failed my Math course, and this is in NO way deviant from my performance through High School and College. But I really am having to address that Computer Engineering is not for me and I'm going to have to find a new career path. So that has been very very stressful lately and I've been quite unhappy and at times stressed to the point that it effects my health.

I think that will be alright, but I'm doing greater reflection as well. Trying to find my niche, my goals in life, my dreams. It's important to me to reflect now and I've never been good at doing so before.

I recognize completely that my committment to founding Sigma Nu at UCF is having a severly adverse effect on my academic life. My attention is diverted and it's as simple as that. However, I'm trapped in some serious issues. I have material that explains the high quality of standards that generations of men have set and upheld for our organization but I also see the practical application of a Fraternal group on an undergraduate campus. My problem is, regardless of the high standards initially set at this colony's outset, I do not feel that our group of men has come together as a Brotherhood nor does it reflect the standards set by our predecessors. Yet I am an officer and an influential voice, but constant contradiction to my efforts has burned me out. So I am questioning, why am I wasting my time, is it hope? I know I'm committing my time, but others are not committed to values and an ideal, they are committed to a stereotype. And the longer our efforts continue the more things seem to be falling apart.

Now to the part that pushed me to the point of writing.

I lost two friendships today. I didn't really lose the friends, and I could perhaps recover the friendships with time, but I'm wondering just sort of friends I've been keeping, the people I've associated myself with in this Fraternity. I'm also looking at the people this group has pushed away. Where initially I felt that the group was "weeding out the trash" I am seeing now that instead the group was failing to deal with obstacles and issues, slowly losing diversity. Anyway, on to the actual events tonight. First, at the community service event my friend Paul who I have come to appreciate and be friends with through the fraternity, was being extremely intolerant and an absolutel bigot. He was making racist comments about our single remaining black brother, Brandon, and also regarding the low income neighborhood we were serving in. He continued to make comments even after I tried to express my disapproval, and then he and another brother were making comments about another brother in a way that quite obviously hurt his feelings, even though that brother was hard at work painting and neither of his detractors had paint or brushes or seemed at all interested in making an effort. I don't care at all about a brother's personal choices or their personality as long as I can still respect their character and appreciate that each man is created unique and has equal potential regardless of creed, etc. I confronted Paul, more publically than I should have I realize, there were other brothers around and it may have made him more defensive, but he responded in insulting my family through rude comments about my younger sister, a point I had repeatedly warned him on before. At that point I told him I could now see that he was significantly less of a person than I had accredited him and he walked off. Shortly thereafter another brother he had annoyed painted his face and he left upset, but the damage was done, I have lost respect for him and it will be harder to regain than before.

Now jump ahead to tonight's party, a very well attended event with everything you would expect at a safe and well run college party. Many of the attendees were people I'm acquainted with, but increasingly more unknowns were arriving. The party Host expressed to the aforementioned Brandon that most of our acquaintances had offered to compensate for the party expenses already, but most of the newcomers had not. Brandon then took it upon himself to collect money. As far as I know the event had been advertised as free, but I was occasionally observing Brandon from the kitchen as the night went on and it became apprent that he was becoming confrontational and demanding of the guests. After I carefully monitored a disagreement with one guest who didn't want to contribute I moved in to intervene. I told Brandon "I want you to Calm Down." That was the extent of what I said, I didn't request anything more, but he responded that he wasn't going to be ordered around by me and that he was doing what needed to be done, and when I tried to express that I just wanted him to calm down and get back in control of himself he pulled Fraternal rank on me. In the auspices of the Fraternity, militaristic in its origins, we have a chain of command, and Brandon sits at #3, and I at #4 at present. First off, this was not a Fraternal function whatsoever and second all I was asking was that Brandon calm down, because I was moderately sure that he was merely taking in the effects of the social surrounding, that is the party atmosphere was effecting him. However, after he quite rudely expressed that I was an underling and had no right to question him and made it quite clear that I was not even to speak to him, I realized that another of my "friends" is not at all the man I had admired. An interesting point to make is that Friday I went out to dinner with both Paul and Brandon, and both were reluctant to attend any of the events today, and at that time we were good friends, but I encouraged their attendence in the community service.

Now, I have expressed how I have lost two friendships, that just yesterday were key to me, basically only two others remain that keep me tied to the Fraternity, and one of those is for a brother who understands more than I the issues we are going through and has all but put in his hat. The other is outwardly quite motivated, but I've begun to see the cracks of frustration and disappointment that have claimed so many of the rest of us, which is depressing. Could we pull through, yeah. Will it ever reach the potential I was dreaming of when I first agreed to associate and pledged my time and efforts? No, not during my time. Do I feel this partially as a personal failure? Yes, this is something I've devoted a lot of time and energy to and so if it is something important to me and is no good, then what does that say?

And then I have to question, psychological review expresses that Fraternity life is generally for men who are seeking guidance, male role models, and legitimization from their peers. This is not a negative thing, nearly all men are, and when done well this is an ideal means and reward that has much potential for additional excellence in a collegiate environment. However, I am finding none of that here.

Returning to friendships, I was reading Aristotle's "Nicomachean Ethics" today after Eta Sigma day before dinner, and I read some interesting points on friendship, this being after the argument with Paul. It really was just a minor spat, but for me everything is much more significant than at cursory level. So Aristotle says, summarized in my current copy, that a friendship evolves from three key aspects of value seen in another: usefulness or beneficial, the pleasant, and the fine (including deeds and characters). Aristotle says that convenient (although still real) friendships are based on the first two, if someone is beneficial such as a random roommate or a car-pool partner, or someone is just generally nice, pleasant, or amusing that improves our spirits, then we find personal gain and we form a friendship. However, friendship based on the third is true friendship and more powerful for two reasons. First, friendships based on goodness or excellence (the fine) create instances of the first two values (beneficial and pleasant) because you spend time together and convenient and fun connections are built, while convenient friendships don't inversely build good deeds and character generally. Quick thought, this is the real reason our Fraternity has our colony do community service, in the hopes that Good Deeds will help us to build excellence based friendships. Now the second reason Excellence friendships are the most meaningful and stable, and also why they are NECESSARY for an individual (their humanity or soul, etc.). Excellence friendships are an emotional investment in which we start projecting and receiving part of the self. We see in others aspects of ourself that we already treasure and aspects we admire and would like to adopt, but moreover than that self centered view, we begin to care about that person's success much as our own, to the point where an example is made that should we see our friend in danger we would immediately take steps to protect them because our self relating tells us 'I am in danger' and must protect myself, it is not "He is in danger." Another quick realization, I see now that I acted to protect the first brother earlier today when I confronted Paul, and I acted to actually protect Brandon when I confronted him this evening, because this level of friendship did exist. I was acting thoughtlessly to preserve what mattered most to me. I will keep reading the wise words of Aristotle and maybe he will advise me on what to do when these friendships based on a respect for excellence of character fall apart and the horrible feeling it leaves me with.

Life is not easy, I would not enjoy it if it were.

I'm treasuring my remaining friendships now more than ever.