Verbosity on Occasion

I use to believe I would make an excellent leader. I've always had a sense of superiority or natural birthright talent that I considered indicative of amazing leadership potential. In High School and again in College I found that any group activites quickly found me making decisions and giving orders, furthering my belief. I have just come to the conclusion that I would in fact NOT make a good leader anymore.

First off, my early advantage was simply being more intelligent than most of my peers, capable of analyzing a situation and making an educated decision. I retain that ability, but the majority has since acquired those skills as well. Perhaps in a non-academic community I would retain my advantage but not here.

Second, the choices I had to made were always ones where right and wrong were clearly defined, where outcomes could be forseen, or even a correct answer existed. This is no longer the case, making decisions for a group now can positively or adversely effect outcomes for many years to come, reguardless of the situation, because of the people involved and their various influence on the future.

Last, and first to come to mind, and most disappointing, I realize I have lost my ability to function independently. Where once a boy would travel through the woods alone with a stick to poke at interesting things until the sun was halfway set, now I feel frustration and depression if I do not discuss my choices and their consequences with others first and do not feel complete without adequate daily social interaction. Part of it has been society, part of it my choices, part my upbringing and part nature, but reguardless of the myriad causes, I now feel the full weight of being alone in a very large and hostile world, arriving not suddenly but gradually like a thief in the shadows.

I've been ambiguous in the discriptions of leadership positions, but my inner confidence was such that I felt, even as a child, that I would make an excellent King, and that never faultered in my mind until tonight. I'm sure all children fantasize at King, but most of them do not consider things like taxes, food supply, laws, civil defense, etc. Of course, that's probably the point itself isn't it, when it was a matter of analyzing information I was confident in my ability, but when I realize that the more important role of a leader is to provide for his people, interacting with and supporting them, I feel insufficient.

People cannot be analyzed the same way. You can observe a person's behavior, but have no indication of their true character or motive, and must eventually decide to trust them or not to, but with no guaruntee you have made the correct decision or whether they will change or betray you later. I developed a personal statement my Freshman year of College, I would tell new friends that I trusted them completely and would unless they gave me reason not to, but once it was lost it could never be regained. I felt like I was making friendship easier to discover when seeking quality friends because I had already made the difficult decision of whether or not to trust them. Unfortunately, it makes it so much more harder on me when some of them do not make the cut. I could list them on my fingers, but I would not fail to recall the name of any of them, or when precisely they lost my trust. Well, verbose as always, this message has become sidetracked.

What I have decided is that my current self would be unable to hold an office of the public because of that need for social acceptance, I would become power hungry like a Disney tyrant who had power but rather than rule wisely, allowed their kingdom to decay while sidetracked by the need for adulation. Maybe I could overcome it because I could forsee it, that is the first step in avoiding a trap, becoming aware of it. But the next steps are harder, and include finding another way. If I am to remain a community leader and a strong man of character and judgement upon which others can rely, I must stamp out this streak of "social butterfly" I have cultivated the last few months out of fear of responsibility and my reoccuring refusal to mature. I must face my fears, and my faults, I must let them pass through and out of me, until only the man I want to become and always be remains.

I broke my own rule and fell asleep when I had been thinking about Verbosing. Now it's noon the "next day" and I can't remember what was relevant at 6:00am. I know I was going to reflect on the fact that a lot's changed since last I wrote and that I don't care to cover any of it. I'm thinking of switching to a live journal in order to feel more connected to my friends, maybe making me write more often, but then they would probably read it, or even worse, not even bother still, so it doesn't really matter, either way I would be unhappy with the result. I've been searching OKCupid.com and Yahoo! Personals for locals that share my interests. It's been very interesting itself, OKCupid seems to think there isn't anyone in the world who is more than 70% match for me, which is pretty sketchy I think. That doesn't mean they are 70% LIKE me, it's that they meet only 70% of the expectations to the questions I've responded to for what I'm looking for. Well, I knew I was way too picky already. I keep trying to hold people to my standards, but in the last 3 months my standards have dropped so much to the point that last night I admitted to myself that I don't even know who I am anymore. It's not a continuation of the earlier and ongoing crisis of having no ambition, it's a new realization that in my laziness I've stopped living my own standards and I've been behaving pretty immaturely. On the other hand I'm more mature than ever. Where's the paradox, well, I've matured to the point where my sexuality is ready to be active instead of philosophical, but when I wake up in the morning I still whine at the alarm clock like a little boy instead of a man. Mostly, I just want to enjoy a relationship for a while, even if I already know it's going to fail. It's easier to have a carefree relationship with a boy's behavior, but I'll enjoy it more if I start looking for an adult relationship as a man. I just don't know, I think this is the final transition of puberty, or a worse one, the horomones never really stop, you just rein them in. Does everyone have such a hard time making that final transition? Evidence to support would be all the times a girlfriend re-designs a bachelor pad, taking down beer and babe posters and puting up original artwork, but counter would be Johnny Eighteen who gets his teenage girlfriend pregnant and starts working a labor job, has been at it the last three years and just bought his own home for his 3 year old family. His hand was forced maybe, but he matured into his manhood and owned up to the responsibility. I guess the transitions was still hard, it was just forced, and without a driving impetus there's no reason to mature. So it's all back to the lack of ambition. If a relationship, a real one, is what I'm actually after, I better decide what's going to be more appealing to my match. Of course, most appealing of all is a successful person with goals and a future, who know who he is and what he wants to be, and in order to be that appealing man, I have to figure out who I am and live that life. You are what you do, not who you say. I define myself by my actions every day, but my choices and actions are almost all guided by my friends and the availability of a fun social atmosphere (read: Party). Have I deteriorated SO far that I'm really no more than a social butterfly? I still enjoy doing community service and I'm working again over the summer, but instead of a heavily involved schedule that will fatten my resume, I took easy work that will be laid back and low stress. Ironically, I've cut out almost every aspect of my life that would be stressful, except I still haven't answered some of these tough questions that have been stewing for the past 10 months or even the deep ones from the last 8 years or so and I think they still have me losing sleep and growing ulcers. I don't live a healthy or happy life, but I don't see how to either. Sometimes I envy Johnny Eighteen, he has a hard day but if he's a good man he comes home to a family each night and enjoys what he's worked hard for. I come home early in the morning, groan over the fact that laundry is still covering about 8 half-done projects, wash my face, and pass out on top of my bed. By the way, I had three dates with three different girls in the course of three days, all three were bigger girls but not unreasonable, especially considering the nutrient storage I'm sporting these days, but despite their relative variety each one had deal-ending traits; smoking, bad personal hygiene, and racial gap. I'm too tough to please. On the other hand, I gave out my number at the bar the other night after just a drink and eagerly hoped for a call even though she was at least 8 years older. I realize now there's not going to be any call, and I wouldn't really have much to offer an adult professional like that, but hey, she initiated it all, so maybe she was attracted to me even when I wasn't attracted to myself, and I'd rather do something I regret later than regret later not doing anything now.
Time to go enjoy Mother's Day which I know will degenerate into manual labor around the farm, but it's a small personal penance I'm accepting. If I'm not going to develop my brain into a dangerous and cunning tool for business, then I'm going to have to strengthen my backbone and prepare for a life of hard work. I can comprehend that lesson just fine, but like many more, I don't think I've really LEARNED it. I don't learn anything these days though. Idiot.